


Merry Happy

by kitlee625, Sarahastro



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2013-11-08
Packaged: 2017-12-31 20:19:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitlee625/pseuds/kitlee625, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarahastro/pseuds/Sarahastro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Yeah you make me merry, make me very, very happy</i>
  <br/>
  <i>But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around</i>
  <br/>
  <i>So I learnt from you</i>
</p><p>This is our version of Coulson and May's history together. Written after 1x06, so it will surely be Jossed at some point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cheese on Toast

**Author's Note:**

> The title for the story and each chapter comes from the song "Merry Happy" by Kate Nash. We think that song really fits with our interpretation of their relationship.
> 
> A prequel to _Life in the Field_ , though you don't have to have read those stories to understand this one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was three months of boredom followed by three hours of action.
> 
> This is the story of how Coulson and May first met. Takes place about twenty years before _Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first two chapters are inspired by the lyrics:
> 
> _Dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast_   
>  _Yeah, you make me merry, make me very, very happy_   
>  _But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around_
> 
> We used to have this tagged for graphic depictions of violence, but on second look we do not think that the violence qualifies as graphic. There is some violence, but nothing explicit.

Day 1

"Agent May." A man in a black suit steps forward. "I'm Agent Coulson. I've been assigned to work with you on this op."

She has never met Agent Coulson before, but when she told Clint Barton that she would be working with him, he had described him as "the classic suit." He certainly looks the part, buttoned up and serious. She wonders what they are supposed to do during this six month surveillance mission to pass the time.

The site where they will be working is a small nondescript one story cabin in rural Estonia. There is running water and electricity, a small kitchen, two bedrooms, and a bathroom. Most of the living room is taken up by racks of equipment for receiving and recording the data. There is a single computer on a desk in the center of the room for monitoring everything.

Coulson looks around the cabin and says, "We should set up a schedule for monitoring the equipment. There's two of us, so we could do two twelve hour shifts. Alternatively we could do alternating six hours shifts, or we could … "

"Two twelve hour shifts is fine," May interrupts.

"Morning shift, or night shift?"

"I don't care. I can do night shift." She throws her bags in one of the rooms. "I'm going to sleep now."

 

Day 8

"So what's for dinner?" Coulson asks.

May glares at him. "Why do I have to do all the cooking?"

He is surprised. "You said you could cook."

"I said I could cook, not that I should cook. I'm not your mother or your wife."

"I'm sorry. But I can't cook very many things," he admits.

"I don't care. I'll eat anything so long as I don't have to make it."

She goes back to watching the surveillance equipment while he busies himself in the kitchen. In a few minutes he returns with two grilled cheese sandwiches. He sets one on the desk in front of her and sits down at the table to eat his.

"Thanks." She feels a little guilty now for yelling at him for something so trivial. "Do you need any help with the dishes?"

"No. There aren't any dishes."

She frowns. "Then how did you make this if you didn't use a pan?"

"In the toaster."

"I didn't know you could do that."

He smiles. "You're right. It's not fair for you to have to cook for both of us. Why don't we just split up the days from now on?"

Seven days later she never wants to eat another grilled cheese sandwich as long as she lives.

 

Day 10

May is surprised to see Coulson coming out of his room so late. He looks much younger, wearing only his boxers and a Captain America T-shirt.

"Do you mind if I join you? The light is much better out here."

She nods, so he sits down in the chair next to her and starts reading a comic book.

She raises her eyebrows. "You read comic books?"

He nods. "Captain America," he says, showing her the cover.

He seems engrossed in his comic book, but she cannot help but add, “This is the first time I’ve seen you not wearing a suit.”

 

Day 14

Coulson tries to ignore the sight of May doing tai chi in one corner of the room. She does it every day when she wakes up, but lately it has been harder to ignore the sight of her body in her tight workout clothes.

"Do you want to try?" May asks. "I can teach you."

He swallows, embarrassed that she has caught him staring at her. "No thanks."

 

Day 20

"What are you reading?"

"The Art of War," May says. "My S.O. recommended it." She looks up and sees that Coulson has pulled out a comic book. "You're reading another comic book?"

He nods. "Captain America."

"Do you ever read anything else?"

He looks a little defensive. "Yes, but I like comic books. Have you ever read Captain America?" When she shakes her head, he pulls another one out of his bag. “I think you’ll like it. It’s very heroic.”

She takes the comic book and sticks it on a stack of papers on the desk. She does not really plan to read it, but that night while he is asleep she decides to give it a try.

 

Day 25

“We could play cards,” May suggests.

“There are only two of us,” Coulson says. “What would we play?”

“Well what did you bring?”

Coulson opens his bag. “A few comic books, a biography of Truman. You?”

“A deck of cards, a buckeye, a compass, The Art of War, and Catcher in the Rye.“

“What’s a buckeye?”

“It’s a seed from the buckeye tree. It’s from the tree in my parents’ backyard.”

Coulson is curious about what kind of parents could have produced a daughter like Melinda May. “What are they like?”

“My parents?” she sounds surprised that he is asking. “They’re regular people. Very traditional. We didn’t really get along.”

“Why not?”

“They wanted me to get married and have children right away.”

“And what did you want to do?”

“This.”

 

Day 33

“So what was it like growing up in Ohio?” he asks one night over dinner. Technically they are supposed to eat in shifts, but since they take turns cooking for each other, it is just easier to eat together. Plus the cabin is so small that they are never more than a few feet away from the computer.

“Dull,” she says.

“Any brothers or sisters?”

“Three brothers. Why?”

“Just curious. What was it like having such a big family?”

She is quiet for a moment, then says, “We didn’t get along. I haven’t spoken to my family in a long time.” She gets up and puts their plates in the sink. “Where are you from?”

“Boston.”

“What’s it like?”

“You’ve never been?” When she shakes her head, he says, “It’s old. There’s a lot of history. There are buildings that date back to before the Revolutionary War.” He sighs. “I haven’t been back in a long time.”

“Are your parents still there?”

“They’re both dead,” he says.

She sits back down at the table across from him. “Any brothers or sisters?”

He shakes his head. “I was an only child.”

To his surprise, she leans forward and covers his hand with her hand. “You don’t have any family?”

“No. Just S.H.I.E.L.D.”

She smiles. “Me too.”

 

Day 42

May drives to the nearest S.H.I.E.L.D. office to pick up supplies. The surveillance station has to be resupplied every six weeks, and since Coulson is the senior agent, it is her job to go. She is actually relieved to be able to leave the cabin for a while. For six weeks there has been no one else to talk to but Coulson. May is fine being alone, but it is strange having another person around all of time. Technically they are on twelve hour shifts, but they tend to spend all of their time together in the living room except for when they are asleep. There is nothing to do at the cabin besides eat, sleep, exercise, and work.

It is nice to be back in civilization, even if civilization is just a remote S.H.I.E.L.D. office with a relatively small staff. The agents quickly load up the van with food and recording tapes, and she delivers the filled tapes to the agent in charge.

“So how is it going out there?” the agent asks.

She shrugs. “Fine.”

“I’ve been out there a few times,” he says. “There’s not a lot to do, but it’s okay if you get along with the guy you’re working with. How is Agent Coulson?”

She shrugs again. At first she had been annoyed that she was working with a suit like Coulson, but after six weeks she has gotten used to him being around. “He’s okay,” she says.

 

Day 45

May wakes up and groans. Her throat is sore and she is so congested she can only breathe out of her mouth. S.H.I.E.L.D. makes all of their agents get very effective immunizations every year, but even they cannot do anything about the common cold. She slowly gets out of bed and stumbles into the living room in her pajamas.

“Are you okay?” Coulson asks.

“Fine,” she says. “I just have a cold.”

Coulson comes over looking concerned. “Maybe you should get back in bed,” he says. “Both of us don’t need to be working right now.”

“I’m fine. I just want to make some tea.”

He comes closer and puts his hands on the side of her face, then presses his forehead against hers.

“What are you doing?”

“Feeling your forehead. You have a fever.” Seeing her confused look he adds, “That’s how my mom always checked.”

The thought of Coulson as a little boy makes her smile.

“I’ll make you some tea,” he says. “Then you should get back in bed and rest.”

As a compromise, she spends the day lying on the couch in her pajamas, reading and drinking tea. It has been a long time since someone took care of her when she was sick, and it is surprisingly comforting.

 

Day 46

Coulson gets sick too. It turns out that he gets very crabby when he is sick, but a steady stream of tea and comic books make him feel better. It is a little annoying, but May does not really mind. It is only fair that she takes care of him this time.

 

Day 49

"We could spar," May suggests.

Coulson is hesitant. "One of us has to be monitoring the equipment at all times."

She rolls her eyes. "We'll be ten feet away, and the computer will alert us if anything changes."

“What if we knock over some of the equipment?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be careful.” She raises her eyebrows. “Are you scared?”

He swallows hard. He is not scared that she will beat him - he knows that she will, he saw her file and knows that she is a much better fighter than he is. But he does not think it is a good idea for the two of them to be rolling around on the floor together. “Maybe.”

 

Day 50

He is better than she thought he would be. He nearly lands a blow, and she has to spin to one side to avoid him. He follows her, quicker and more graceful than she imagined he would be. Her first impression had been of a man better suited for sitting behind a desk at headquarters than being out in the field. After a month and a half she has learned that he is more than that, that he has a sweet side, a funny side, a nerdy side. But she has not seen him as a soldier until now.

She manages to block every attack, but he gets her into a corner, and a little smile quirks the corner of her mouth. He is good, but he has a certain way that he shifts his balance before he attacks. The next time he does, she grabs his arm and pulls him off balance. She throws him onto the floor and pins him to the mat. She can feel him straining against her, trying to get free, but at last he relaxes.

She stands and holds out a hand to help him up. “Go again?”

He shakes his head. She has pinned him every time. “I think that’s my limit for today.” He does not stand right away, just sits and catches his breath. “How did you get so good at this?”

“I got into a lot of fights when I was a kid.”

He looks amused. “That doesn’t surprise me.”

May knows how other people see her - angry, silent, and aggressive. Usually she does not care what other people think of her, but something makes her add, “There were some rough kids in the neighborhood. I couldn’t let them get away with stuff.”

He smiles fondly. “Vigilante justice.”

 

Day 84

By the time the second supply run rolls around, they are both sick of eating the last of the food from the previous one. It will be nice to have some variety again instead of having to eat whatever is leftover. They spend a couple of days discussing what they will eat first when the new food arrives. May laughs at his choices. “You eat like a little kid,” she says. “Grilled cheese, hot dogs, donuts…”

He shrugs. “I’m a simple guy.”

“We’ll have to have extra sparring sessions to work off all of that crap.”

She gives him a teasing smile, and he swallows hard. “Fine with me.”

It is a bit of a relief when she leaves to pick up supplies. He likes spending time with May a lot more than he had expected when they first met, but the close quarters are starting to drive him crazy. He had always prided himself on being able to concentrate on work without being distracted by anything, but twelve weeks alone in a cabin with a beautiful woman have been a serious challenge. He wonders if she realizes how close she stands or how she gives him these teasing little smiles. Or maybe it is all in his head. Either way, it is nice to have a few hours alone.

He is a lot more productive without her to talk to. By the time she gets back, he has been able to run diagnostics on the equipment, double-check that the new tapes are properly installed, and clean the cabin a little. He is just starting to read one of his comic books when she gets back. She drops the box she is carrying on the floor and comes up behind him, leaning over his shoulder to see what he is reading.

“More Captain America?”

He wonders if she is aware that her breath is tickling his left ear.

 

Day 88

"I think you're getting a little better at this."

Coulson looks up at May. His heart is pounding, and it is not just because she has him pinned against the mat for the third time in under twenty minutes. He tries to sit up, but she presses her body against his, keeping him down.

"Can you let me up?"

"You don't even want to try to take me?" she teases.

"Melinda," he says firmly, and she releases her grasp on his wrists and sits up. "I think we need to talk."

"About what?"

"About this. Us." He gestures between the two of them. When she looks away he realizes that he has miscalculated. Of course he is the only one who feels this way. She is beautiful, smart, and deadly. She has all the makings of a legend at S.H.I.E.L.D. whereas he is destined to be a suit at headquarters, the man behind the heroes.

She looks back at him. "I thought you might feel that way too."

"Too?"

She leans forward and presses her lips to his. More than anything he wants to lean into this - to give in after what has felt like weeks of foreplay. But he stops himself and pulls away. She looks hurt.

"Phil -"

"We shouldn't. Not while we're on assignment."

She studies him, trying to figure out what he means. "And after the assignment?"

He smiles at her.

 

Day 92

When she wakes up she finds him squinting at the computer terminal. She goes to the kitchen to make some coffee and brings him a cup.

"Morning." She sets the coffees on the desk and rests her hands on the top of his chair. She leans over his shoulder so that her breath is tickling his ear as she asks, "What are you looking at?"

Normally she has the pleasure of watching him squirm when she does this, but this morning he barely registers her presence.

“There’s something out there.” He points at the monitor. “Something big.”

Whenever they see a signal on the screen one of them has to visually confirm it. Usually that person is May. In the past 92 days she has been sent out into the cold over a dozen times chasing ghosts on the screen probably caused by interference and local wildlife. She is not eager to do it again.

“Like a bear?”

When he looks at her she can see how serious the situation is. “This one is real,” he says simply.

When the computer finishes analyzing all of the data it looks like there is a large movement of personnel and equipment coming straight towards them from the HYDRA base that they have been monitoring.

Coulson is more familiar with the equipment then she is. “It looks like it will be here in ninety minutes.”

“That gives us plenty of time to get to the nearest S.H.I.E.L.D. base if we leave immediately.” It is only two hours away by car.

She is surprised when he says, “No.”

“No?”

“No. We need to encrypt the drives and upload all of the data first.”

May remembers from the mission briefing a paragraph describing how they might do this. According to the briefing it will take several hours. “That will take too long,” she argues. “We should just encrypt the hard drives and leave. S.H.I.E.L.D. will be able to retake the station in a few hours.”

He shakes his head. “No. We can’t lose any of the data. We have to do everything we can to save it.” From the tone of his voice she knows that that is the end of the discussion.

While Coulson works on encrypting the hard drives and uploading the data to S.H.I.E.L.D., May makes sure the jeep is working. Because of the ice they have to park the jeep in a clearing in the woods about a mile from the cabin. It has been bitterly cold the past few days, and she worries that the jeep will be frozen, but she gets it to start after a few tries. She leaves their personal belongings in the jeep and then heads back to the station.

Coulson is frowning at the console when she returns.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

He points at the monitor. “They’re moving faster than I thought. They’ll be here before all of the data is uploaded.”

“Then we should evacuate now.” He shakes his head, and she gets annoyed. “If we get captured no one is going to see the data anyway. They won’t even know what happened until we miss the next supply pick up. That’s not for another month.”

“No.” He pauses as if thinking of what to do. “There are only a few tapes left. We’ll take them with us. Grab a screwdriver.”

A few minutes later he has her opening the databanks to remove the large wheels of magnetic tape while he finishes encrypting the hard drives. Coulson has just finished with the last drive, and May is stuffing the tapes into a bag, when the window over their heads explodes. Instinctively both of them fall to the floor.

“We have to get to the jeep!” Coulson has to yell to be heard over the gunfire.

May nods. “Follow my lead.”

They crawl out from behind the equipment towards the rear door making sure to stay low. From the pattern of gunfire May estimates that there are over dozen men out there. There is no way they can fight them off. 

The door does not have any glass in it, so May motions for Coulson to stay behind the door while she opens it a crack to assess the situation outside. She spots two men walking outside. There is a woodpile close to the door that she thinks they can get behind for cover.

“Do you have your sidearm?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“Good. Follow me.” She slips through the door and dives behind the woodpile. She lands lightly, and a second later Coulson is beside her. She points out the two men she saw earlier and motions for him to take the one one on the left. Simultaneously they fire on them.

The men both fall quickly, the shots coming too fast for them to even react. They wait for a second to see if someone else is going to investigate the noise, then May gestures for them to move.

They race along the icy path, trying to stay as low as possible. Several times she almost slips and falls. She wants to check to make sure Coulson is right behind her, but she can hear gunfire overhead, and she knows that if she looks up, if she pauses at all, they both could die. So she keeps her head down and runs as fast as she can.

She does not realize that Coulson is not behind her until she is almost at the jeep. When she can no longer hear gunfire she decides that it is safe to pause and check on him. At first she thinks that he must be right behind her, or perhaps he is lost. She is usually the one to drive off-site, and she worries that he does not know where the jeep is parked. But as the minutes tick by the truth sinks in. He was captured by HYDRA back at the station.

Her heart aches. Her main role on the mission was to protect them, and she has failed that. The most logical choice now is to get in the jeep and drive to the S.H.I.E.L.D station. Coulson uploaded most of the data, and the rest is on the tapes that she somehow managed to hold onto. But she knows that if she does, it will be hours before they can send an extraction team. If he is not already dead he certainly will be by the time the team arrives.

However logical it may be, she cannot leave him behind. She grabs another gun from the jeep and heads back towards the station.

*****

The wound in his stomach does not look like much - it is bleeding, but not an alarming rate. It hurts like hell though. The pain is so bad that he cannot even walk. The HYDRA men have to drag him back into the surveillance station. They tie him to the chair, and even though the ropes dig in to his legs and chest, he is grateful for them. He is not sure he could remain upright without them.

One of the men digs around in his jacket pocket and pulls out his ID. "Agent Coulson," he says. "My men tell me that the surveillance equipment has been encrypted. That makes me very unhappy."

"That's too bad," Coulson says.

The man sticks his fingers in Coulson's bullet wound, and he let out an involuntary scream. "Mr. Coulson," he says. "I'm sure you understand the severity of your situation." Yes, he remembers what he learned in his combat training courses - a bullet to the stomach is both painful and lethal. He may be conscious and semi-mobile now, but without medical treatment in a few hours he will be dead. "There are two choices. You can choose to cooperate, or you can choose not to. But remember - " He sticks his finger back into Coulson's wound, and he bites the inside of his mouth trying to stifle a scream. " - there is still time to hurt you."

*****

May ducks behind a tree and takes inventory of her situation. Most of the men who took the S.H.I.E.L.D. station from her and Coulson have been sent back to their home base, but there are still about a dozen men between her and Coulson. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

The next few minutes are a blur - she moves on autopilot, not thinking about Coulson or the S.H.I.E.L.D. station, just concentrating on the men in her vicinity. It helps that they have spread out in pairs to search the site for other agents. It is easy enough for her to wait until one or two are separate from the rest. She is careful to take out all of the men on the perimeter. She does not want to be surprised by someone at her back. She circles the station twice to confirm that all of the HYDRA agents have been killed before entering the station through the back door. The back door connects to the kitchen, and she is able to hide behind the refrigerator to assess the situation.

In the main room two HYDRA agents are focused on the computer while a third guards Coulson. She can only see is back from this angle, but he is tied to the chair and slumped over. She wonders if he is alive, then reasons that they would not have tied him up if he were already dead. She does not want to do anything that might put him in jeopardy, so she waits until the man guarding him walks towards the computer as well before opening fire. She manages to hit two of them before they know what is happening, but the third man dives under the desk for cover. She rolls across the floor and hits him with a swift kick to the head that causes his head to snap backwards at an unnatural angle.

Coulson’s eyes blink open as she moves towards him. “Melinda?”

She does not answer, just pulls a knife out of her pocket and starts cutting the ropes that bind him to the chair. Unfortunately, once she frees him, he immediately slides out of the chair and crashes to the floor.

“Coulson? Coulson!”

She rushes over and tries to assess the situation as dispassionately as possible. He has a bullet wound just below his rib cage. He is no longer conscious, but he is still breathing. She checks his pulse and is rewarded by a faint beating beneath her fingertips.

It is only a matter of time before HYDRA sends another wave of men. She runs over to the satellite phone and dials the nearby S.H.I.E.L.D. station to request an extraction team. “And bring a medic,” she says. “Agent Coulson has been shot.”

That taken care of she bends down next to Coulson. “Coulson? Coulson! Phil!”

There is no response. She has never felt so helpless in her life. She gets the first-aid kit from the bathroom, rips open his shirt, and wraps the wound in bandages. She wonders if she should drag him outside to wait for the helicopter, but it seems cruel to drag someone with a bullet wound across the floor even if he is unconscious. Surely the helicopter will have a stretcher they can use to move him. She does not know what else to do, so she places her fingers on his neck just below the angle of his jaw to feel the weak but reassuring pulse there. She does not let go until she hears the helicopter arrive.

*****

The debriefing takes longer than she expected. Everyone seems fascinated by the story of how she single-handedly retook the cabin. She tells it over and over until the details start to feel unreal.

She asks about Coulson several times, but they always say that he is in critical condition. She wonders how long you can be in critical condition without just dying.

“Can I see him?” she asks.

“When we’re done here,” the agent says. “Now let’s talk about how you broke back into the station.”

When they are finally done, an agent escorts her to temporary housing. She does not recognize her, but she is a suit like Coulson. She stares at May in awe during the entire walk back to the dorm, which irritates her. She was just doing her job.

She takes a shower and changes her clothes. Even though she has not been awake for that many hours, she feels exhausted. She plans to just lie down for a moment, but she falls asleep the moment her head hits the pillow.

 

Day 93

The moment she wakes up, she heads over to the medical wing to look for Coulson. When she gets to his room, the bed is empty, and for a moment she is afraid that he died. But the doctor explains that he was air-lifted back to New York a few hours ago.

“He had emergency surgery when he arrived,” he says. “We were able to stabilize him, and then we sent him to New York for more surgery.”

“Is he going to be okay?” she asks.

He pauses, then says, “He was stable when he left. We’ll just have to see.”

When she reports to the senior agent, she expects them to discuss plan to send her back to New York too. But instead they want to talk about the mission again and the surveillance data they took.

“Coulson took care of most of that,” May says. “He knows more about the equipment and reports than I do.”

“We’ll be talking to Agent Coulson when he wakes up,” the agent says.

“He’s still unconscious?”

“He was when he left here. I believe he’s in surgery now.”

“And when will I be going to New York?”

He looks surprised. “There’s no reason for you to go there. You’ll have a little time off here before your next assignment.” He looks at her and adds, “Is there some particular reason you want to go to New York? You were stationed out of this office before your mission.”

“No sir,” she says. “No reason.”


	2. Didn't Want to Stick Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year after their assignment together, May returns to New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first two chapters are inspired by the lyrics:
> 
> _Dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast_   
>  _Yeah, you make me merry, make me very, very happy_   
>  _But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around_

He is going over the active duty list when one entry catches his eye:

MAY, MELINDA - Advanced flight training, S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, New York City, New York, United States

It has been a year since the last time he saw her. A year since she rescued him single handedly. When he woke up he found that he had lost three days of his life, his spleen, and part of his liver. He wound up spending over a month in the hospital recovering. He has been hoping to see her, but since then she has been to a dozen different sites all over the world. He wonders how long she is going to be in New York and where she will be staying. He should at least take her to dinner to thank her for saving his life.

He finds out from the S.H.I.E.L.D. housing office that she has been assigned to temporary housing, room 309, and he heads over there after work. Temporary housing is set up like a college dormitory with rows of narrow single rooms and shared bathrooms, and a single small kitchen unit on each floor. It is designed for agents like May who spend most of the year in other locations for when they are on temporary duty back in New York.

When she opens her door she is even more beautiful than he remembered. She looks surprised to see him. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard you were in town, and I thought maybe I could buy you dinner sometime."

She gives him a little half smile and raises her eyebrows. "Dinner?" Before he can answer she grabs him by the tie, pulls him into the room, and kisses him.

There is a mad dash of fingers undoing buttons as she strips off his suit leaving a trail of clothes as they stumble towards her bed. When they reach her bed she pushes him down onto it. She goes to her dresser and pulls out a condom, then strips off her pajamas and crawls into bed next to him. He pulls down his boxers and kicks them to the bottom of her bed.

He starts kissing her neck and working his way down to her collarbone, as she strokes him. He slips one hand between her legs and rubs her clit. She lets out a little moan in reward. He rubs her until her breath starts to come in short gasps.

"Come here," she says. She flips onto her back and pulls him on top of her, quickly moving her hands down to unroll the condom on him.

As soon as he slides inside her and starts thrusting he notices that her bed is making a horrible squeaking noise. Now he knows why agents are always complaining about living in the dorm. To minimize the noise he tries to go as slowly as he can bear to, and he winds up stopping a couple of times. May looks up at him, displeased.

"Do you want to do this, or not?" she asks. He nods, so she wraps her legs around his waist and in one smooth motion flips them so that she is on top. She sets a much harder, faster pace than he had, and he grabs her hips to steady her.

The squeaking of the bed does not seem to bother May, but it definitely annoys her neighbor next door. Through the wall he shouts, "Keep it down," followed by several loud thumps against the wall.

"Ignore him," she gasps.

Both of them are breathing hard now as she rocks on top of him. She feels amazing, and he is close, so very close, but he cannot tell if she is close as well. Her eyes are squeezed shut, and as he watches her they snap open and focus on him. She lets out a sound halfway between a moan and a sigh, and he feels her tighten around him as she comes. The feel of her is enough to bring him over the edge, and he comes a moment later. She kisses him deeply, muffling his moan with her mouth.

She rolls off of him and settles herself with her head on his shoulder, tucked against his side. Unfortunately the moment only lasts a minute because they are interrupted by banging at the door. They try to ignore it, but eventually she sighs, climbs out of bed, and puts on her clothes.  
She throws open the door and crosses her arms across her chest. "What?"

Clint Barton is standing in the hall, looking annoyed. "Do you mind? Some of us are trying to sleep around here."

She stares at him. "That's not my problem."

He peers into the dim room over her shoulder and smirks. "I've never seen Phil Coulson not wearing a suit before."

She slams the door in his face.

*****

When he leaves the next morning, she is not sure what to expect. But later that day she gets a phone call inviting her to come over to his apartment for dinner after work. This time they actually eat - Italian food at a nice restaurant near his apartment - before ending up in bed together. They see each other the next night too.

They are supposed to see each other the following night, but when she gets to his apartment, he is not there. She considers going to his office, but decides that she should just wait there. She stands outside his apartment for over an hour before she gives up and goes back the dorms. She ends up running into Barton, and they go out for dinner and drinks, and she does her best not to think about Coulson or how disappointed she felt being stood up.

At 2 AM there is a quiet knock on her door. She rolls out of bed. Coulson is standing there, looking very apologetic. “Sorry about tonight,” he says. “Can I come in?”

She uncrosses her arms and moves out of the way. As they move towards the bed, she says, “I’m not waiting for you outside your apartment again. If you’re going to be working late, you have to come over here.”

They only go over to his apartment a few times after that. Most nights he leaves work late at night, long after dinner, and just comes straight over to the dorms.

They think they are being discrete until one night he passes Clint Barton in the halls. Barton groans and asks, “Don't you ever sleep?"

Coulson just looks down at his feet and walks faster.

*****

"Do you ever get tired of being out in the field all the time?" Coulson asks.

May is curled up in her bed next to him. She is running her fingers along the round scar just under his rib cage on the left side. It is his souvenir from getting shot during their mission together. She seems to be fascinated by it. "No."

"But isn't it hard never knowing where you're going to be, how long you're going to be there?"

"That part isn't great. But I like being out there doing the ops. Don't you get frustrated being stuck at headquarters?"

"No. I like seeing the big picture. Planning the ops."

She kisses him. "Maybe someday you'll plan my ops. Be sure to give me the good ones."

*****

By now Coulson is used to Barton’s little smirks and comments when he sees him walking towards May’s room. But this time he just says, "She's in her room - for now.”

When he gets to her room he realizes what Barton was referring to. May is packing.  
She does not say anything, just opens the door and then shuts it behind him.

"I thought your flight training was four weeks," he says.

"They cut it short. I got an assignment this morning," she says. The duffel bag on her bed is already filled with clothes and a few personal belongings. He notices the edge of what looks like his Captain America comic sticking up and smiles. She sees him him looking at her duffel and says, "Do you want me to move that? I have a little time before the plane leaves."

"That's not why I came over here," he says. She gives him a look. "Well, not the only reason."

She resumes packing.

"How long are you going to be gone?" he asks.

"I'm not sure. At least a few months." She zips up her bag, and they stand there awkwardly. Neither one is sure what to say next. They both know that this kind of uncertainty is just part of the life of a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent.

"Maybe when you get back I can make you dinner," he says.

She gives him a little half smile. “I’d like that.”


	3. Watch A Sunset on My Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Incident, May tries to piece her life back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by the lyrics:
> 
> _I can be alone, yeah_   
>  _I can watch a sunset on my own_   
>  _I can be alone, yeah_   
>  _I can watch a sunset on my own_   
>  _I can be alone_   
>  _I can watch a sunset on my own_

The first thing Melinda May remembers after the Incident is the sunset. She is sitting in a plastic chair by floor to ceiling windows as the sun sets over the Hudson River. At first she feels like she is watching it from the back of a movie theater. The image is blurry and appears as if from far away. Gradually though everything becomes bigger and crisper, the scene before her expanding to wrap around her, until she feels as if she is surrounded by the setting sun.

A woman in gray scrubs comes over to her. In a sing-song voice she asks, “Are you ready to go back to your room Agent May?” She sounds like she is talking to a doll.

“What time is it?” May asks.

The woman turns pale. “What did you say?”

“What time is it?” May asks again.

“Do you know where you are?” she asks.

“No. Where am I?”

“Do you know who you are?”

“Melinda May.”

The woman hurries to the nurse's station and says, “Call Agent Coulson.”

Coulson arrives just a few minutes later. He looks older than she remembers. He talks to the woman for a while and then rushes over to May. “Melinda. You're awake,” he says, sitting down in a plastic chair beside her. He takes her hand. “How do you feel?”

“Tired. How long was I out for?”

“A few weeks.”

“Weeks? What happened?"

Coulson looks concerned. "What do you remember?"

She searches her memories, but everything feels hazy. "I don't know. I remember - I remember hiding in the woods trying to rescue you."

He looks worried. "That was over fifteen years ago," he says gently.

She closes her eyes. "I remember jumping out of a plane outside of Moscow -"

"I think that op was about a year ago. What else?"

She closes her eyes and sees snapshots scattered around her mind: being caught in a storm of gunfire in Brazil, jumping from a three story window in Cairo. And a particularly vivid memory of lying naked in bed with him in the dorms. She shakes her head. "Everything is a mess," she says quietly.

He squeezes her hand. "It'll come back to you," he says.

*****

The memories come back, but slowly and in bits and pieces. Coulson stops by every day to help her fit everything back together. They sit in the sunny day room in ward 5, the psych ward, and he patiently answers all of her questions of what happened when as best as he can. All except for one.

"So what happened to me?" she asks over and over again. "Why am I like this?"

The first few times he just says, "That's classified." But finally after a few weeks he tells her, "You were sent in alone to rescue hostages from a S.H.I.E.L.D. research facility. You were captured and held there for several weeks. By the time a S.H.I.E.L.D. extraction team could get you out, it looked like they had done things to you. It affected your memory."

"What about the hostages?"

"You were the only person the extraction team found alive."

"Why was I out of it for so long?"

He hesitates. She stares at him until finally he says, "You were hallucinating when you first arrived. The doctors had to give you medications to keep you calm."

She wonders if that is why her room has nothing in it except for a mattress and a pillow.

*****

"She's not going to get better as long as she's locked up in ward 5," Coulson protests.

"She doesn't have anyplace else to go," Hill argues. "She doesn't even own an apartment in the city, and the doctors say she's not ready to be on her own anyway."

"They also say that she needs to be in a familiar environment, that that will help her memory."

"I think the most familiar environment for Melinda May is the S.H.I.E.L.D. office in Iraq."

"She could stay with someone. She could stay with me."

From the look Hill gives him, he realizes that Hill has heard all of the rumors about him and May. "I don't think that would be appropriate Agent Coulson."

*****

When the doctors finally discharge her Coulson picks her up and takes her over to temporary housing. They are easily the oldest people in the dorms. Everyone else appears to be in the early- to mid-twenties. As they walk down the hall everyone stares at Coulson and May - a level 7 agent and the legendary Cavalry - and wonders why they are there.

She feels uncomfortable the moment she enters the room. It is very narrow and contains just a bed, a wooden dresser, and a wooden bureau. She stares at the narrow metal-framed bed. She remembers being in that bed with him so many times - sleeping curled up against him, or lying on top of him as they had sex and the neighbors yelled at them through the wall. She feels overwhelmed by the sense that this is their room, their bed. She looks at Coulson who is hovering in the doorway.

"I know it isn't much," he says. "I don't think S.H.I.E.L.D. has made any improvements to the dorms in the past twenty years. Does this look familiar?"

"Very."

*****

Coulson offers to cook her dinner, and since she does not have anything else to do, she agrees. He lives on the fourth floor of a beautiful pre-war building. There is no elevator, and Coulson hovers around her as she goes up the stairs, but the physical therapy has paid off. She is only sweating a little when they get inside.

"It's nice," she says. "Have you lived here long?"

"A few years. I don't think you ever saw it though."

She wanders into the living room. The apartment might be new, but she recognizes some of his things. She examines a signed baseball on the bookcase. "I thought about you when I heard that the Red Sox had finally won the World Series."

He smiles. "I was really happy about that." He opens the fridge and starts pulling out ingredients. "Do you want something to drink?"

"I'm fine." She looks at the framed Captain America poster on the wall. "You love Captain America. You brought a bunch of Captain America comic books on our mission. You gave me one."

"I remember it as being more of a loan," he says, “but you never gave it back.”

For a moment it is like looking at that eager young agent she worked with on her first independent op, the man she spent every day with for three months. She takes a deep breath and sighs. "Do you need help?"

"No." He gets two plates out of the cupboard and puts two grilled cheese sandwiches on them. "Do you want to eat at the table or in the living room?"

"Living room."

They sit next to each other on the couch. He starts eating immediately, but she just stares at her sandwich.

"I never want to eat another grilled cheese sandwich again."

He puts his sandwich down. "What?"

"I told you that. Didn't I tell you that?" He shakes his head, so she continues, "It was during our mission. I've never eaten so many grilled cheese sandwiches. "

"You never complained about it." He looks apologetic. "Do you want to order something?"

She shakes her head. The memories are rushing back now - not just the sandwiches, but everything from their mission. She remembers pinning him to the ground, feeling his heart pounding against hers, knowing how much he wanted her and how much she wanted him to forget about S.H.I.E.L.D. and just give in.

*****

"Why did you break up with me?"

Coulson sets his sandwich down. They are sitting at a diner near S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters having lunch. He told her that they needed a change of pace. "What?" He looks confused. "I didn't break up with you."

May is insistent. "Yes you did. I remember coming back after an op to see you, and you were with a new girlfriend." She swallows hard. "You were outside S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters with a tall woman with blonde hair. You had your arm around her, and you got into a cab together."

"You mean Kate? When I started dating her, I hadn't seen or heard from you in over six months." He looks confused, but also a little sad. "You always insisted that we weren't dating. You said we were just friends."

"Oh," she says. She still feels hurt, or rather she remembers being very hurt when she saw them together, but intellectually she knows that what he says makes sense. It is still hard sometimes for her to sort out all of these past feelings with what she should feel now.

*****

Barton puts down his beer and says, "I don’t know. You always said that he wasn't your boyfriend. But back then you spent a lot of time with him when you were both in New York."

"How do you remember all of this?" she asks.

He looks a little uncomfortable and says, "We went out for drinks together after you saw him with that woman."

She has a hazy memory of being sad and drinking way too much and waking up next to Barton. "Did we have sex?"

"Yeah. You remember that?"

She is not sure if she remembers it or not, so she just says, "I remember being sad."

Barton scowls and takes a long drink. "Not everything has to be about that guy."

*****

"You have gotten too close to this, Agent Coulson," Fury tells him. "I’m removing you from this case."

"But sir, Agent May and I have know each other a long time. I'm familiar to her -"

"Too familiar," Fury interrupts. "I spoke with Agent Barton. He's worried about her. He says she's dwelling on things that happened a long time ago. She needs to put that behind her and focus on getting her skills back."

"Yes sir."

"Agent Hill will be in charge to Agent May's rehabilitation from now on."

*****

Coulson stops coming by to see her every day, and although May misses him, in a way it is easier. She does not know what happened or why he is not longer around, but she wonders if it is because of their history together.

Maria Hill starts meeting with her twice a week and sets up a schedule for her: weapons training, martial arts training, basic flight. She tries to focus on re-learning these skills. At first everything feels strange and unfamiliar. The strangest sensation is knowing that her body remembers things that her conscious mind does not. The first time she practices jumping from a two story building it is as if her body knows how to tuck and roll so that she lands safely while her mind is panicking the entire way down.

After months of practice she learns to trust her muscle memory and starts to feel more comfortable in her own skin. But throughout it all there is a nagging voice in her head wonders if it is going to be enough.

*****

Natasha Romanov shakes her head. “I don't know what to tell you. Physically she's fine. Just like she was. But mentally -” She hesitates.

“What do you mean, mentally?” Hill asks.

“She's slow. Hesitant. Uncertain. But when you really push her, it's all still there.”

Hill nods. “Thank you for working with her.”

Romanov starts to leave but pauses. “If she's still like this this far out, is she ever going to be able to go back into the field?”

*****

“I don’t think that I can go back in the field,” May confesses to Barton over drinks one evening.

“Why not? Still feel off?” he asks.

She shakes her head. “I feel strong again, and my memory -” she trails off and stirs her drink. There are still gaps in her memory. She doubts that she will ever remember what happened during the Incident, but she has grown to accept it. It is hard to admit, but finally she says, “I feel like I almost died in the field. I lost a major part of myself. It’s taken me so long to get back to the way I was. I don’t know if I can put myself through that again. When I remember my first mission with Coulson -” She notices Barton flinches at his name, but she continues, “- I don’t remember being afraid. I remember feeling nervous but knowing that I could do what I needed to do. But I don’t feel that way anymore.”

Barton gives her a long look. “There’s no one that I would trust more to be in the field with me than you. But if you don’t feel like you can do it, don’t go.”

*****

“Agent May has been reassigned to level 3," Fury tells Coulson.

"But sir, Melinda May is more than just a level 3 agent."

"Not anymore. I can't approve her to go back into the field like this," Fury says.

Coulson shakes his head. "She just needs more time to get her memories back, get her strength up. With some rest, some more training -"

"She's had plenty of rest. Plenty of training," Fury says.

"It was at her request," Hill adds gently.

Coulson stares at the wall.

"This matter is over," Fury says. "I don't want to hear any more about it."

"Yes sir."

*****

On her first day of work on level 3 her supervisor gives her a strange look when she pulls out a worn Captain America comic book and puts it in an interdepartmental mail envelope.

“You shouldn't use those envelopes for personal mail,” her supervisor chides her.

May just stares at him without saying a word, and eventually he becomes uncomfortable and leaves.

When she comes back to her desk after lunch she overhears two of the level 3 agents whispering.

"I heard she was in ward 5 for two months."

"Really? She doesn't look crazy."

When they see her approaching they immediately stop talking and look guilty.

*****

Coulson comes by the next day.

“Agent May. How are you settling in on level 3?”

She ignores the whispers from the cubicles around her. A level 7 agent showing up is most exciting thing that can happen on level 3. “Fine, Agent Coulson.”

“Is there anything I can do to make this transition easier?” he asks crisply.

She wants to tell him that the only thing that will make this easier is not to see him again. She turns back to her computer and stares at the monitor. “No.”

*****

After just a few months on level 3 Melinda May hates it. The work is dull, her coworkers are boring and gossipy, and whispers follow her wherever she goes. She wonders about filling in a request to retire entirely from S.H.I.E.L.D. But then what would she do? She has a very specific skill set, and she does not think it would really apply in civilian life.

The only thing she likes about her new life is her new apartment. When she was still in the field she was never in any place long enough to get a place to live, and so she has stayed in S.H.I.E.L.D. temporary housing wherever she has been stationed even long after most of the other agents gave up and bought apartments just to get themselves out of the dorms. This apartment is the first place that is really her own, and she relishes in the privacy. The only downside is the nosy woman who lives across the hall. She knocks on May’s door twice in the first week trying to bring her a casserole and interrogate her, but May has little trouble avoiding her.

She is on her way home from work one day when she pauses outside the entrance to the S.H.I.E.L.D. physical education complex. She has not been in since starting work on level 3, but she used to spend hours there every time she was in New York. She starts using the private practice rooms in the mornings and evenings before and after work. It feels good to be doing something physical again.

To get to the private practice rooms she walks by the larger rooms used to spar. Even at odd hours there are usually people using them, and after a few months she finds herself itching to test herself against someone else. She is careful to only spar at odd hours against junior agents when her old colleagues are not around. She does not want anyone who recognizes her as the Cavalry. The first one is barely out of the Academy and looks shocked to be pinned in less than ten seconds by a woman almost twenty years older with a level 3 badge. After a few months a small crowd gathers to watch her spar against whoever is brave enough to step into the practice room. One time she thinks she spots Maria Hill in the crowd, but when she turns to look again she is gone.

There is a flyer hanging outside the locker room one day with a list of advanced skills classes that are still open. It reminds her that she never did finish her advanced flight training, the training that had brought her back to New York so many years ago. It had been her first time back after her mission with Coulson. Mostly what she remembers about that visit was how good it felt to finally be with him. But she also remembers how good it felt to fly, the sense of freedom and peace she had gotten while in the cockpit. In the years to follow she had done some flying, but mostly she had been the one being flown places for her missions. The class is not open to level 3 agents, but she applies anyway.

When her application is approved, she notices that it is signed by Maria Hill.

*****

Maria Hill stops by May's desk one evening. "Agent Coulson put in a request for you to join his team."

"I got the paperwork."

"And?"

"I'm not going back in the field. I'm retired."

"And yet you've kept your skills up all this time. I even saw you got your Advanced Flight certification."

"I'm not going back into the field," May repeats.

Hill looks at her doubtfully. "Really? Because it seems like you're just waiting for the right time."

May does not respond.

"You should be aware that Director Fury allowed Agent Coulson to hand-pick his team. You know how persistent he is. I doubt he'll take no for an answer."

*****

It is late. Everyone else on level 3 has long since gone home for the day. The only light on is the one at May's desk.

Coulson walks up to her and smiles. "Agent May."


End file.
